checking in.

I realize no one is reading this... but, nonetheless, it is good for me to keep writing. It keeps me accountable knowing its out there.
I drank friday night. I'm not sure why. And I knew I was going to even at 3pm. I drank with my husband, and then more, by myself. I'm not happy with myself about that.
I was good both sat and sunday night though. And I'm feeling GOOD about it too. I'm liking waking up without a headache and fully aware of everything that happened and was said the night before. We have no major events in the coming weeks. I have no excuses. I am going to keep going. I'm definitely getting better at just not having the first one. At one point last week I was cooking chicken piccatta (sp?) which has white wine in it. I bought the wine for it. I used it in the recipe.

And I stared at that bottle. I stared at it like it was a pot of gold.

"I could finish this." ran through my head. and then...
"I could just have one glass, that wouldnt be bad....." and then...
"but I'm going to polish that whole thing off if I get started....."
"how many calories are in that bottle... alot. and I just ate a freaking block of blue cheese because I thought I deserved it because I'm not drinking.... "

and then I put it in the fridge and pulled myself away from the kitchen.
even though I did finish it the next night, I am learning. I can put it down and walk away. Eventually the craving goes away. that is a good lesson.

why so tired?

I really thought I'd be feeling so much more energetic since I stopped drinking. Its been almost a week and I feel more tired than ever. So weird.

ob-la-di, ob-la-da

A few revelations in the past few days...
1) I'm not a very patient mother... even sober I still want to throw shoes across the room when my (almost 4) daughter doesnt want her little sister to wear her outgrown "buttfly" shoes and we're trying to get out of the door. Something to work on.

2) I really hate watching our neighbors sit outside in our shared driveway and drink beer all night. I just don't want to be there.


3) While evenings are hard, lately the thought of wine doesnt really sound like it would taste good right now. I'm grateful for that.

4) my eczema didnt magically disappear, nor did my cellulite. huh. guess sobriety doesnt fix everything.

still here...

a small update...
it was a big wedding weekend...and I drank.  That being said, I have not broken my promise to stop drinking by myself. I am proud of that, and am going to keep going. baby steps.

dealing with the bigger issues first....

Some confessions:
1) I drank Sat night. Alot. For a long time. I had a raging headache sunday morning.
2) I thought about lying, but what's the point of having a blog if I'm just going to pretend to be the perfect sober story.

In retrospect, it probably wasnt the brightest idea to visit my college buddies on day 3 of sobriety. I am going to move on though. Since starting thursday, yes, I failed on Sat. However, I have NOT hidden my drinking, nor drunk  alone. Personally, I think binge drinking is bad, but not nearly as bad as finishing a bottle by myself for no apparent reason. So, as long as I've stopped drinking alone (and hiding it), I'm going to consider this a success and march on.

on the dawn of day 3.

I am anticipating tonight to be difficult. I am going with the girls and my husband to see my college roommate... we used to be huge drinking buddies- all four of us. Beer pong & all. Luckily, she's pregnant (so happy for them!). So I won't be the only sober one. It would be incredibly weird for me to not drink tonight. So, since I am not ready to share this decision, I am going to hide it. The plan is to stick to beer (not as enticing to me as wine), and then to dump it out in the bathroom, and re-fill with water. wish me luck. I'm determined (as of now). I will update sun night.

onto day 2!

Day one of sober-ness was not easy. However, one benefit of going through this more than once is that I was well aware that no matter what day I began, there were going to be challenges... may as well begin with the first hard day with the determination and novelty that comes with starting over.
The backdrop of why I've failed the past few months in solid soberness? I don't know. I'm a weak person. weak to alcohol at least. I guess there is a reason I am here.. and I probably should've figured it was coming since my father was a (very high-functioning) alcoholic. I am beginning to research a bit, and have found my anxious and independent personality goes right along with the tendency towards alcoholism.
I'm sure there will be more time to dive into the background of the whys and hows I 've failed. But last night, despite a party in our backyard (a birthday-- but with our neighbors, there's always a party with the kids running around in the driveway) with all the parents drinking beer. My husband opened one for me... and I just let it sit there until he decided to drink it. I was tired.... probably from the bottle of wine I polished off myself the night before. Woke up feeling good this am though.

starting over

I will post the gory details later. In essence, I am just so weak with alcohol. So I'm beginning again with day 1.